i've juz had a fight with mom over not wanting to collect the photos today that had been taken on mother's day
but thank God through this episode Lord You showed me that i am motivated by needs, not wants..
everything that i've been doing since the end of practicum, have been clearly seen to have been done when i needed to get something done, e.g. give students extra lessons, meet people.. more as a sense of fulfilling my role/ obligations as a teacher/ friend.. even celebrating mother's day.. i suspect i was motivated more under the need to fulfill my role as a daughter rather than a desire..
as i look deeper into my motivations, i see that i lack the true desire to please God, and even mom.. i have been doing things out of a need to be accountable or responsible.. the issue about not collecting the photos today - i see it that it's not neccessary to collect it today, it's just a matter of time - likened to my inertia over going down to get my pdl for starting driving lessons.. it's coming altogether more clearly, thank you Lord, that the real issue beneath my lethargy in bed, and procrastination, is that i lack desire/ want! i'm not driven at all!
i used to think that was great.. that i'm not driven to want material stuff, or things of this world.. but it has become a plague to me, that even hungering after spiritual stuff seems distant.. wanting love and wanting to love mom or anyone special in my life seems foreign.. do i love God? do i love mom? do i love my family? i dare not answer.. what is love? a sense of duty? an emotion?
Lord i pray You will reveal Your love to me, and may You teach me to have my "work produced by faith, labour prompted by love, and endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ" 1 thess 1:3 amen
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