why Lord do i feel disappointed over such an earthly thing? recognition, achievement.. oh Lord, i want to lay down these desires at Your throne.. but it's so difficult Lord.
the 2 teams that i coached didn't make it through to the interview round for the mathematics project festival.. but jasmine's sec2 (now sec3) group did. this disappointment.. is it reflective of the pride that i have been harbouring? wanting to have done a good job with the projects and hoping that they are recognised, as a means of fishing for compliments from my reporting officer? sigh.. i feel like a failure..
Lord, i need Your refining and help.. i need a total makeover in terms of dependence on You.. yet this motivation to depend on You seems to come from the fear of failing.. not quite a right motivation now is it?
renew my mind Lord... that i may depend on You in order to bring You glory, not myself.. i pray that the expectations of performing as a 'scholar' does nothing to detract me from my goal of pleasing You in everything..
i almost felt like i was sliding into depression yesterday.. Lord that feeling of not wanting to do anything, the lack of motivation/ the fear of trying anything.. it's scary.. i need You Lord..
come Lord.. it's been an emotional february.. esp the past week.. why? the lack of time with You must be part of the reason and the being sucked into work and performing to expectations.. and coping with students' behaviour.. and reacting/ fighting with fire rather than pre-empting and pro-acting.. comparing myself with others.. feeling hopeless and a failure cos of the supposed 'status' that comes with psc.. God please make sense of what i'm feeling.. i really don't know..
thank You
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